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If you tied a piece of buttered bread to a cat's back and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

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You know you've been on-line too long when...

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 6.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to have the chair in front of your computer replaced with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
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Bolivia holds the highest turnover of governments. Since their independence from Spain in 1825, Bolivia has had almost 200 governments.
Since 1945, Italy saw 57 governments 22 Prime Ministers.
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These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that 

they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, 

"I hear that St Patrick was a shift lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says,"Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

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A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman,"Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy,"The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
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Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. 

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.

They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued,"Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden."

The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house,it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a tosser then!"

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. 

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

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"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." Alfred Hitchcock.



"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." Peter O'Toole.

 

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" John Mendosa.

 

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be 

happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher” Socrates.

 

"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song." Louis Armstrong.

 

"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter." Tommy Cooper.

 

"An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not 

enough to lend to." Unknown

 

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever 

seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." Mark Twain

 

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots worem helmets." Dave Edison.

 

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.

 

"Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other 

up." Muhammad Ali.

 

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." Henry Youngman.

 

"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important.” Bobby Robson.

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Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison"

Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"
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Bessie Braddock to Churchill: "Winston, your drunk!"

Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"
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"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." Albert Einstein.

 

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five 

miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.

 

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth  and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips.

El Corazon - 2002 ©